I often say that – so far – the biggest struggle with cancer has been mental, rather than the pain or side effects. I have most of the drugs I need to handle symptoms, and with counselling and a few tips (a huge thanks to ARC), I somehow managed to keep the PMA (this one’s for you, Bad Brains fans). Yet, there’s one thing I still can’t control: dreams.
I don’t regularly dream about cancer, but I’ve noticed it happens more often around scan times, or when I feel new pain. This is probably a normal reflection of the stress that goes around those two events. And, with a scan planned next week, plus new pain points around the ribs, this could explain my recent nightmares recurrence [1].
While I’m still hopeful about future treatments, I often dream that I’m told by doctors that it’s over, and that there won’t be any further tentative to stop the cancer grow. One thing I’ve also noticed is that, while I never use the term “terminal” in real-life, it often comes up in my dreams when I interact with others.
As I’m regularly investigating next treatment options, I also had a few dreams where I enter a new protocol / trial / surgery. But the dream quickly mutated into a weird nightmare where I’m left alone in a desert hospital corridor (see that opening scene of 28 days later?), and my IV is dripping on the floor. Luckily, while I regularly waited for hours to get my Pembro injections, this never happened!
Strangely enough, I don’t dream that much about being cured. Yet, I often dream about having a normal life, particularly doing things that I haven’t done much / at all since diagnosis. So, I had several nights enjoying running or cycling.
Then, there’s the odd dream: the one whereas I dream that I have cancer. I’m diagnosed, I go through some shit times, etc. When I wake up, I realise it was a dream and I feel fine. Of course, the reality quickly comes back and I figure out I’m still trapped. But that one second when I believe that I have my health back is a huge relief – and just pure happiness.
[1] I’ve started this post in the middle of the night, just awake from one of those nightmares. That said, as stomach pain is now under control (I’ll post an health update after my next scan results), I sleep way better than two months ago.
My cancer notes 
Alexandre,
I just learned about you via Twitter. My wife also has stage IV RCC and has been experiencing stomach pain in the middle of the night. I saw your tweet with the photo of your meds and your comment that pain was finally managed. May I ask if you are comfortable sharing more info about the cause and treatment for this condition? Any help or insight would be really appreciated.
LikeLike
👋 Indeed, the initial meds didn’t work well and oxy didn’t help much for pain. But I eventually switched the way they were administered: pantoprazole in the morning (was at night before), buscopan 3 times a day before food, and molitium when pain started. I’ve also added an over the counter tablet with peppermint oil & simethicone. The day I switched the order / timing and combined all of them, there were massive movements / noise in my abdomen (felt like plumbing!) and cramps / bloating completely went away a few days later. No major pain since then! An endoscopy later revealed that I have mild gastritis (probably due to treatment), and they switched from pantoprazole to emeoprazole. I hope that helps – but I’d suggest asking your oncologist for an endoscopy or similar to see what’s wrong if scan doesn’t show anything (as it was the case for me). You can drop me an email if you want to discuss privately. Best of luck to your wife and yourself!
LikeLike